The Bunny Bulletin
Bunnies, bunnies, bunnies…without them, the Swedes would be cold, nuclear waste would be a little more contained and men in need of penile replacement parts would be outta luck.
Yes, we’re serious. We’re always serious. Now, let’s discuss the little bunny’s who who.
Researchers from Wake Forest University’s Institute for Regenerative Medicine recently announced that they have successfully created working penis parts—for rabbits. The scientists surgically removed the corpora cavernosas (the columns of tissue that fill with blood during an erection) from 12 rabbits and then replaced them with new corpora cavernosas made from a collagen scaffold and rabbit cells. One month later, the phallically-rejuvenated bunnies were good to go. They were introduced to some lady-bunnies and, within 60 seconds, all 12 of the randy rabbits were doing what rabbits do best. During their first roll in the hay (err, shavings?) with their new equipment, eight of the males succeeded in ejaculating and four became fathers.
This procedure isn’t quite ready for humans, but the bunny research offers hope for men with penile injuries, congenital abnormalities and penile cancer. Of course, human phallic rejuvenation would use human cells, not rabbit cells.
Next up: Radioactive rabbit poop.
Between World War II and the 1980s, scientists at the Hanford nuclear reservation produced two-thirds of the plutonium for the United States’ nuclear weapons arsenal. Making plutonium isn’t exactly a clean (or safe) process. It produces a lot of contaminants, some of them salt-based. Bunnies like salt. Bunnies eat what they like. And so the bunnies on the Hanford reservation ate the salt and then hopped out of the immediate bomb-making area, carrying little bits of radioactivity in their digestive systems. Just like everything else in the bunnies’ digestive systems, those little bits of radioactivity had to come out—and they did, in the form of radioactive rabbit poop.
Years later, that poop is considered low-level radioactive waste and must be removed as part of the Hanford cleanup (the country’s largest environmental cleanup). How does one find radioactive rabbit poop? Easy. Last month, a radioactive rabbit turd-mapping crew used a Geiger counter-equipped helicopter flying 50 feet above the desert vegetation to find radioactive feces in the area surrounding the nuclear reservation.
And finally, burning bunnies:
Stockholm had a bunny problem. Too many Swedes were setting their pet rabbits “free” in the city parks. The bunnies had everything they needed in the parks—plenty of green space to explore, loads of vegetation to eat and lots of other bunnies to play with. That was the problem. The bunnies “played” and, at a stereotypical rabbit reproductive pace, the bunny population exploded.
Before their city (and its ecosystems) was completely overrun with bunnies, animal control stepped in to cull the rabbits, killing 6,000 rabbits last year. Of course, they didn’t just dump the bunny bodies. (The Swedes are too creative—and cold—for that.) They burned ‘em. Just as the Dutch used their overabundance of chicken sh*t to produce electricity for 90,000 homes, the Swedes used their overabundance of bunnies to produce heat for homes in central Sweden.
And that, dear readers, is the latest on the bunny front. For old bunny news, check out “Bunnies on the Brink.”